Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
