Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
