Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
