i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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