I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Randomize