She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
