you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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