well you can't waste a boner
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
