TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
