Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if only i could text you this smell
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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