My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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