I'm so fucking centered right now
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
