Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
