Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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