i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
