5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
