So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
