I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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