I wanna bring you to show and tell
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
