Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
