he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
