So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
