I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
