i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
