I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize