I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
