We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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