The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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