I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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