i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
