and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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