I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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