Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
