I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
