dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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