Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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