I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
