I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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