Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I would fuck him just for his dog
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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