you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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