I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
