Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
