bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
