Plan B is the new Plan A
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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