i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
