Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
