Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize