and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
