My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
