He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
