He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize