Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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