I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
