Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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