I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
