3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
