so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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