meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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