i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just high enough for therapy.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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