just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
