If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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