my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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