it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
