i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
