When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
