we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize