I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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